February 28th, 2010


Ten minute doom-break...


     Stumbled across a reminder of the good old days before Saturday morning TV was choked with infomercials, and Political Correctness and Busy-body Mommies had all the cartoons estrogenized...

     Apparently some of the boys at Hanna-Barbera got tired of making low-rent knockoffs of theatrical funny-animal cartoons, got hold of some really good herb, and decided to see how much awesome they could stuff into a cartoon before TV sets would explode.

     Start off with Tarzan & Family... But IN OUTER SPACE... Oh, and with slingshots that shoot hand-grenade rocks!

     Have King Kong hang-out with them... Only make him out of indestructible, living rock!

     Give them a gigantic dinosaur-rhinoceros thing... Armor-plated... With ten legs... AND A CANNON in his forehead!

     And another dinosaur... No. Wait... A dragon. A FLYING dragon. That shoots lasers out of its eyes... AND the tip of its tail!

     Hell, just give them a blob made out of distilled, industrial-strength awesome that can do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING!

     Then give them a BIGGER blob that can do absolutely anything EVEN HARDER!!

     Populate the galaxy with troublemakers who are freakin' retarded enough to land on a planet where the inhabitants listed above are just waiting to inflict an epic beating on them.

     So full of badass were these cartoons that they had to make them half-again the length of the usual HB 'toons, so there were only two per show instead of three.

     What really gets me is that, in a lot of these cartoons, the head villain KNOWS about ersatz Tarzan and his team of giant, invincible, ass-kicking monsters, but DECIDES TO GO THERE ANYWAY! Aside from ersatz Jane, there's nothing on the planet worth stealing... If you just wanna conquer backwards worlds, you'd think there'd be plenty of 'em that didn't have a reputation for transforming would-be invaders into steaming chunks amid piles of flaming wreckage.

     Now my wife wants an armor-plated dinosaur-rhinoceros thingy with a cannon-horn... No luck finding one on Craig's List so far!
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