September 17th, 2011

Dark

Throwing my hat into the ring!


                         


   Okay...  Back in '08 I warned the lot o' ya' that The Great Messiah Obama was just another goddamned politician, but you wouldn't listen. 

   At the moment, according to the polls, folks have actually wised-up and realized that ol' Barry ain't gonna manage to fix everything with a great speech...  And that the Republicans who are running to replace him probably won't be any better.  Of course, as the election season gets going, the tribalism and team spirit bullshit will kick-in and give everyone a terminal case of stupid.


   I just don't know if I can tolerate another round of "MOST IMPORTANT DECISION EVER" nonsense as you idiots get all wound-up over which of the interchangeable goddamned politicians gets to play front-man for the next term.  So I'll give you a more interesting option.

   Elect ME to be your next President.

   Seriously.  Don't be fooled by that "Change You Can Believe In" stuff.  I'll give you Changes You Won't Freakin' Believe! 


The Economy...

   First off, I'll order the IRS to stop prosecuting anyone and everyone for failure to pay income taxes.  You think taxes are a good idea, and want to "pay your share"?  Feel free to do so.  Otherwise, do whatever you want with what you've got.  I think you'll put it to better use than the politicians and bureaucrats would anyway.

   "NO!" I'm sure you class-warfare indoctrinated Liberals will scream. "That will just benefit the rich and screw the low income folks!"  No problem... Got a solution for that too...

   I will order the Treasury to cut every US Citizen a payment for One Million Dollars.

   Where do we get the money?  We print it.  We're the Government.  We can do that.  As many trillion dollar bills as it takes.  That's how a fiat currency 'works'.  It's money because we SAY it is.

   What about the Federal Reserve?  FUCK THE FEDERAL RESERVE.  We'll print up as enough trillion dollar bills to pay-off the "national debt", and if whomever is the Federal Reserve Chairman at that time wants to bitch about it, I'll send some US Marines over to his office to shoot him until he shuts the hell up.

   "Won't all this printing wreck the value of the dollar?" someone with an IQ above room temperature might ask...  Yes.  It absolutely, totally will.  But not before you've all had a chance to discharge your fixed dollar debts.  Student loans, mortgages, etc.  POOF! Gone.  You'll start fresh, and have to devise an economy with new mediums of exchange.  Maybe this time you'll have the sense to keep politicians out of it so they can't sell you right back into currency debt slavery.




Foreign Relations...

   All these wars all over the place sure don't seem to be accomplishing much good.  A lot of resources flushed.  A lot of boys killed, maimed, or rendered psychotic.  Screw it.  I'll bring all the troops home so they can get-in on the Million Dollar apiece spending spree.

   As for national defense, I'm gonna take a page out of Frank J's playbook and Nuke the Moon...  Because... Hell... Just look at it up there.  Perfect place for alien invaders, terrorists, commies, or whatever to lay in wait.  Watching for a chance to pounce on us!  A few mushroom clouds scattered across ol' Luna's surface at random intervals oughtta' shake 'em up!


   Besides, the American people have spent a damned fortune building and maintaining the coolest nuclear arsenal in the Solar System, it'd be downright wasteful not to nuke SOMETHING.

   (And it'd probably have the side-effect of proving to the world that America truly is way too stark, slavering buggo to ever mess with again!)

   Possible follow-up... Nuke Mecca.  As an act of kindness to release a billion people from the grip of a crushingly retarded superstition.  Vatican may want to stay good and quiet, lest I get on a roll.



Scandals...

   One thing none of us probably expected when Barry was elected...  The dude has been insufferably BORING.  Same-old, same-old Big Government healthcare and "job bill" legislative agendas.  Not that Dubya was any better, with "controversy" over crap that went-down decades earlier, or whether or not he really believed Saddam had WMDs...  YAWN!!!!

   At least Slick Willy knew how to achieve some entertainment value.  Murder mysteries, bimbo eruptions, wrapped in Eddie Haskel sleaze. 

   Elect me President, and I promise to do WAY better than this...

   Seriously.  I won't waste the power and influence of the office on plump interns.  Expect tales of (and images) of monumentally hot babes, heavy-duty kink, demonic rituals, full-on orgies, and inconvenient witnesses having all kinds of convenient mishaps.  Right up to and including my impeachment.


Old Horseman
for
President.

Why settle for the lesser of two evils,
when you can elect a straight-up
Glorious Bastard?

.

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